Were You Taught NEVER To Talk About Death?

Were you brought up being told that some things were not to be talked about? And I would guess that death is one thing you NEVER EVER discussed.



But what happens when your parents die and you had no idea what their beliefs and needs and even fears were about death? Do you want to regret the fact that you left death as an untouched subject?



If you have that strong of a background in believing that death can’t be discussed, how can you help your loved ones understand your wishes? Or do you lie in bed thinking you wish someone would ask you but then realizing that they would be afraid to approach you on the subject?



Unfortunately most of us do not go beyond discussing death in the most hands-off ways. “Yes, I have a will. Yes, I have made funeral arrangements. Yes, I completed a living will. Now can we talk about something else?”



Talking about death – deep long and ongoing discussions – is critical if we are to change the way we die. We have to know how our loved ones feel and share our own fears, beliefs and hopes with them. Otherwise we will be forced to guess our loved one’s wishes or have them guess ours. Is that fair?



Even if the person you selected to speak for you if and when you can’t knows you very well, it is hard to believe they know what you would want in a specific situation. Trust them? Sure! But it will be easier for them to act if s/he has talked with you about it and heard your views.



If you have talked about death when everyone involved are relatively healthy, the subject won’t be so off-limits when you really need it, when you or your loved ones are ill and decisions need to be made, or need to be discussed. If you touched on the subject already, it will be much easier to ask tough questions or get information and start making decisions when death looms as it will.



And remember that your health care proxy is vitally important but also talk to your doctors about all of this. Your medical team needs to know your views BUT just as important, you need to know whether your doctor understands and respects these views.



How do you start such a conversation? How do you get someone you love to take you seriously? And even harder might be getting a parent to not take offence? It is far easier to have the discussion when death isn’t imminent. That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t push forward if failing health is also an issue.



You can try to approach the subject by talking about what you did – I finally got XXX to agree to be my health care proxy – to speak for me in the case that I can’t about my medical and treatment wishes. Then you can turn it to “who do you have named?” and take it from there.



If that falls on deaf ears you may want to reference a recent article you read. Share it. Talk about it. And try to use it as a lead in to discussing your loved ones wishes.



Someone walking into the kitchen and saying “can we talk about death” doesn’t cut it. The one response you might get is “oh my goodness; why didn’t you tell us; what is wrong?”



Conversations about death need to be set up in a comfortable setting where you won’t be interrupted. Speak your mind and allow the other person to speak and think. Listen intently. Ask clarifying questions. Take some notes. Promise to share the notes after you are done.



Conversations about death may start very awkward and not informative at first. The discussions should become easier and more enlightening. You might cry. Hugging may be important. And know that the discussions need to happen over and over again as things and decisions will change.



The goal of such discussion is to lead to better dying and just as important a deeper level of intimacy with the person you love. 



Talking about death means that you are talking about life. It is not a discussion that is meant to have a checklist that you run through to feel “well I did that”. It is about getting to know someone on a whole new level. It needs to include understanding what someone you love finds frightening, painful, comforting, and loving. And it means preparing one another for the time when you have to let go, say good-bye, and take some responsibility for how that death will happen.



Next week we will talk about the serious illness and/or death of someone you knew. If you haven’t witnessed a death, it helps to talk to people who have. This discussion is an ongoing process.