Have you ever witnessed the process of dying? I am referring to the long drawn out fear that every phone call you get is with news of death. It is the feeling in your stomach that when you walk out of his/her room you will not see them again. The process of death can be very drawn out. It can require patience as you have never known before. And it can be gut-wrenching to watch someone fade in and out of lucidity with a hollow look in their eyes.
Yes, you may have attended some type of service (funeral) honoring the dead person. Don’t confuse that your presence there was any more than showing respect to the loved ones who are still alive. It is not witnessing death.
People have been replacing or duplicating the traditional funeral (usually organized by a funeral home) with a celebration of life. This event is more often held in a home or a private setting and includes many accolades and memories about the recently deceased.
How do you feel deep inside when you think about confronting the inevitable – that someone you know will die. Do you get anxious and start doing a type of grieving when it isn’t even in the cards? Do you talk about death and dying?
Your parents probably will die before you die. Talking about death is making life better. You don’t have to worry that you don’t know what they want. Do they prefer to hear (the last sense to go) music or a video? Would they select alternative therapies or new age rituals?
Are there people that they have wanted to see? Are there damaged relationships that they would like to mend?
This is an ongoing topic that is best not left to old old age or grave illnesses. A young person will feel differently than an old person or than someone who has previously been very ill. What you or your parents say they want today needs to continue to be discussed as any of you will probably have changes in your thoughts.
I have a dear friend whose mom has been going through the dying process for well over a year. She is bedridden, lost more than half her body weight and sleeps at least 20 hours a day. Yet her vital signs are strong. She eats well one meal per day.
My friend clearly remembers her mom saying “don’t you dare let me be kept alive if I am drooling and hunched over and not demonstrating any of the things I have loved throughout life. BUT how do you do that? How do you make her die when her body functions are strong?
Death is private. Death is different. And no two people die the same way.
Often someone dies when their loved one(s) is out of the room. It is believed that they don’t want a loved one to see them die and to spare them the pain. Another way of looking at it is that the dying remains alive because it is stimulating. However, when it is quiet the dying can give in to death.
You can try telling your Mom that you would love to be holding her when she dies. She said she would like that. Will death play out that way? Time will tell.
Talking about death – asking one another the deep questions is a helpful and healthy start. How about telling your loved one that you know you will miss them and that your life won’t ever be the same BUT that you will be okay.
I think my friend’s Mom believes that she has to hang on because my friend WON’T be okay. And I too am not sure she will make it beyond her own mom’s death. She has given 200% to her mom during these dark dying days/months/years. Has she really said it is okay to die?
We are all going to die. No one escapes it.
