Talking to Children about Death
No one likes to think about death. No one wants to talk to a child about the dying process or the death of their loved one.
A child's understanding of death is limited and it is hard to comprehend what you don't know. The ability to understand death can take until teenage years.
Using softened and confusing language is not recommended. Humpty Dumpty didn't fall of the wall and had his men working on him - Humpty Dumpty died. Telling your child that their pet is sleeping leaves them running back to see if the dog or the fish has "woken up".
A child cannot grasp that their mother is "not doing very well". They have a better chance of understanding that their very sick mother is "getting ready to die soon."
Hospice experts recommend that direct language should be used with children to get them ready for someone they love and their death. And the same direct language needs to continue in the ongoing discussions after death has happened.
Children fear that a parent or another loved one may have died because of something that the child did. Your role is to work to erase that serious concern.
Children also have many somewhat unanswerable questions that need loving and thoughtful attention. "Can he hear me even though he is dead?" "Can I still talk to her?" "Where did that bird go after it died?"
Burying the dead bird found in the yard or sitting and talking about death are examples of helpful learning. It is okay for there to be tears and even for the child to respond that "death is stupid." There are no right or wrong reactions.
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