Yes, my friends often ask me how I can spend hours every day talking about death. I do it because I believe that if we all talked about it, the word itself wouldn’t cause people to jump and recoil. I also do it because I see the good in the plan.
My mother in law had a long protracted death. She had three bouts of pancreatic cancer. The first two – several years apart – she weathered well. I am not sure that my husband and I can say the same however. Her best and worst came out during her recoveries and subsequent doctor visits.
We got her the best of the best care – Sloan Kettering in NYC under the same doctors treating Supreme Court Justice Ruth Ginsburg. Going to NYC to my “mom” was always a fun event. She expected the SK trips to be the same.
One day before a planned operation, she was with a friend in her cramped 600 SF apartment along with my father in law. They had planned a full museum day which was always their idea of nirvana. After the fun filled day, they went back to the apartment and ordered food to be brought in. My “mom” loved to eat.
The food arrived and the three of them found creative ways to sit and laugh while eating. However just 20 minutes into the meal, “mom” became very pale and held her stomach. Her friend ran to call an ambulance.
“No don’t call the ambulance yet” said my “mom”. We can’t let this great feast go to waste!
“Mom” always planned trips around food. No she wasn’t a large woman but she loved cooking and eating. She also threw the best dinner parties for anyone who stopped by.
As time moved on and the cancers kept reappearing, “Dad” could no longer make the three hour drive to the city. We would creatively find a friend, neighbor, or even hire someone to do the driving. And every time while being driven back home, “Mom” would say “so where are we stopping to eat?”
I knew that I could never hire a particular driver the next time when Mom called the next day not to talk about the doctor visit or the next diagnosis but to tell me what an awful restaurant the driver had selected!
“She knew that I was paying but she chose a greasy spoon diner with no redeeming features. And she seemed to like it!”
You have to find the humor in every part of life. Many times you can’t see it until well after the event as your emotions may get in the way. But talking about death is no different than talking about life.
