stop avoiding the word death

Aggravating Phone Calls about Car Warranty

debbie.pepin@gmail.com (Debbie Pepin) — Mon, 17 May 2021 16:00:02 GMT

Follow deathtodolist on instagram for more dialogues on this topic! Thanks.

We have jokes all over the internet, television, and print media about the aggravation of robo-callers or humans working to sell extended car warranties. These calls seem to be nonstop. They target people who don't even own cars. They have been said to have dropped notes from planes to remote islands to make sure they find you!

How come we can have such ridiculous conversations but we can't talk about death. "Hello...so glad I finally reach you....I need to talk to you about the fact that you are going to die."

Why can't we make light of discussing death? It is understandable that no one wants to die. There is never enough time. One worries that life will go on without you. You don't want to "miss" anything. Those are all true but we can't avoid the inevitability of death. We will die. We have no idea if it will be today or in 50 years.

Would you want to know when you are going to die? First of all it is a silly question since that isn't possible. BUT if you did know how would you lead your life differently? Why can't you make changes to your life NOW even though you don't know when your end will be?

Aggravating extended car warranty salesperson calls with a new message....we're all going to die! - YouTube

Paperwork is JUST A PART of Death Planning

debbie.pepin@gmail.com (Debbie Pepin) — Tue, 09 Mar 2021 18:00:02 GMT

When you die, how do you be sure your wishes are followed?

In late January, Larry King died from sepsis. He had his paperwork in order and had spoken about death to loved ones. However, he did not talk to enough people.

That alone was not enough. The link below takes you to an article that unveils that he had made a newer handwritten will. His wife (he was in the throws of a long divorce) disputes that validity of the penned will. A battle now ensues.

You should have as much legal paperwork completed as you can. However, confirming your wishes with loved ones is really important. Making changes to paperwork is encouraged. Tell loved ones about changes.

Live every day to the fullest. Believe you will live forever. Be prepared for death if you don't get forever. Planning is a good thing. Plans and paperwork should be changed as life changes.

Again, do you have:

living will (advance directive)

durable power of attorney (for health care and financial too)

funeral/final plans

living trust/will

portable medical order

AND have you considered :

beneficiary plans

notes about your care and feeding wishes

writing love notes to loved ones that they are given when you die

a list of passwords and/or key secrets

https://www.marketwatch.com/story/larry-king-had-a-secret-will-that-excluded-his-wife-estate-planning-gets-messy-11613501836?mod=estate-planning&_ke=eyJrbF9jb21wYW55X2lkIjogIkprVWJ2eCIsICJrbF9lbWFpbCI6ICJkZWJiaWUucGVwaW5AZ21haWwuY29tIn0%3D

Life Death Minutes Days Balance

debbie.pepin@gmail.com (Debbie Pepin) — Tue, 23 Feb 2021 17:17:14 GMT

Being in Texas during this winter disaster, I am reminded of the fact it's okay to redefine a good day at times!

Why talk about death and dying? It is part of life. Do your loved ones know what kind of medical care, rituals, or even ceremonies you would like before death? If you need a visual to help you read through this, scroll to the link at the end!

We all have different attention spans. We all get distracted by different things. This weather and surrounding inconveniences have left me somewhat unable to do what I know I should be doing. I can't stay focused.

Do I forgive myself and move on? Or do I beat myself up?

And then my yin and yang led me to start thinking that my feelings are much like many people experience when talking about death - even thinking about death.

So I am going to talk about how tough it is not to be able to shower or flush a toilet (without using pioneer methods which we are doing). I am also going to remind you that your biggest gift is life! Every single day is a gift. So even when feeling cold, frustrated, isolated, worried, etc. you still need to find the joy!

Talking about death and dying might be uncomfortable or upsetting but having ongoing conversations about these subjects with those you love including family, friends and even health care providers can help make you more prepared. Preparing for the inevitable death we all will face allows it to be more probable that we will get the care we want at the end of life.

Most probably you will experience the death of a loved one during your lifetime. We are all going to die. Open conversations about death and dying allows each of us to consider how we feel about different options for the end of life. How do you want to live your final days? How do you want to be celebrated and remembered?

If you don't have those discussions, it will mean that others have to make the decisions about death and dying for you. It isn't just about legal paperwork but also about making sure that your wishes have been made clear.

I want the water to start flowing again. I want clean clothes. I want to take a shower. Okay I have said it. You heard me. Why is talking about wishes for a good death (a definition for each individual) considered too personal or private? Let us all talk about it.

And make the most of your day....with or without frozen pipes.

I urge you to watch a great TEDx talk by Isabel Merrin. It may help you realize that such discussions are good! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R2HcxtBCK-o

The Difference Between an Ordinary + Extraordinary Life

debbie.pepin@gmail.com (Debbie Pepin) — Thu, 11 Feb 2021 18:00:02 GMT

Living life to the max if what life is about. One cannot live life well without having planned in advance for death. Sure, we all want to live forever. We don't want life to go on without us as a part of it. Yet we all know that no one lives forever (ask the dinosaurs)!

The difference between an ordinary and an extraordinary life is the "extra". Plan your life for the extra. Spend your life living to the maximum. Develop your passion. Then develop a new passion. Live life fully!

The ex football star and coach Jimmy Johnson is credited with that statement about an extraordinary life by the way. He continues to live his life with the extra!

That quote really jumped out at me. It is so powerful and yet so simple.

If you aren't already living every day that way then start! Fake it if you don't think you have identified your passion yet. Eventually it will all make sense!

An extraordinary life is a choice to follow our own values, passions, beliefs, and definition of success. It is not the same for any two people.

Ask yourself what is important to you in life? Using your values as the overriding guidance for your decisions is empowering!

How to start? We start by learning and growing. We don't know how to do THE thing. We have to join a group, try a class, surround oneself with models, mentors, and more experienced people.

Then spend time learning what you are really interested in. It is okay not to know. Just start. Learn.

Edmund Hillary said "people do not decide to become extraordinary. They decide to accomplish extraordinary things."

It is very empowering to follow our own definition of success. Listen and follow your own inner wisdom. Follow your curiosity. Follow your creativity. Follow your intuition.

And say no to ordinary "stuff" that doesn't matter to you. Eliminate people and tasks that doesn't lead to your dreams. To be extraordinary you have to say no to what you don't want.

Today start on your extraordinary journey. It can be a baby step. Just a pebble can start an avalanche. You have to take the step and do it.

There are opportunities every single day. Just look! If you aren't looking, you could miss your chance. Our purpose is to live an inspired life. What inspires you?

Do it! Start. The purpose of life is life with a purpose!

Laughing about Death is Healthy...Laugh Often!

debbie.pepin@gmail.com (Debbie Pepin) — Tue, 26 Jan 2021 16:23:43 GMT

Death is part of life. Laughing is part of life. Human emotions even at death include laughter. Planning death means planning life. Enjoy it all!

Thoughts to Consider Before Someone You Love Dies

debbie.pepin@gmail.com (Debbie Pepin) — Fri, 15 Jan 2021 20:23:57 GMT

Act on your thoughts today - and prepare for someone you love to die - it is part of life!

Lots has been written about death - but not about preparing for the death of a loved one. Dr. Brenner believes that death becomes more on our mind when a loved one or friend is old and showing illnesses. However, illness or a sudden accident can "surprise" any of us at any time. Life changes.

The article reminds us that the death of anyone significant in your life is tough to handle. It is even harder when the person is someone that you thought you would have a lifetime to enjoy together.

No amount of paperwork can take away the emptiness or pain that comes from an unexpected death. Though I advocate for end of life planning that should start at least when you are age 18, that alone will not make death any less painful for the dying person or for you when left alive on this earth.

The biggest suggestion that this article states - and I have stated in my work - is by saying what you want today. Do not put off until tomorrow what you could have shared today. No regrets.

Do not be afraid to say I love you whenever it comes to your mind. You want to be sure that the person or persons you love know that they were cared for. There are no expiration dates on humans. Death happens. Only 70% of Americans live beyond age 65.

Death leaves a hole in both your heart and your life. Grief goes on for a very long time. Dr. Brenner reminds us that you could grieve forever. Grieving is from the Latin word for burden. Gravis means heavy. Those who continue to live have a heavy heart. You will constantly miss the partner. You also will worry about how much of you has died alongside them. How can you carry on without your partner?

You will need to give yourself time to make decisions. You will need time to rethink your life. You will need to take care of yourself. Lastly and most important, you will need to be sure you can fully love yourself.

I urge you to let your mind think about the inevitability and probability of such a death happening and you moving on.

My thoughts were inspired by an article at https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-flux/202008/7-ways-prepare-the-death-loved-one

7 Ways to Prepare for the Death of a Loved One What's important to know before a significant other passes away by Abigail Brenner, MD in Psychology Today August 31, 2020

Thanks Dr. Brenner for your thoughts on this BIG issue.....

Are You Doing What You Love?

debbie.pepin@gmail.com (Debbie Pepin) — Thu, 10 Dec 2020 21:45:02 GMT

Are you doing what you love? Every day is a new opportunity! Are you in the right place? Purpose is a very personal thing.

There is no "to-do" book to follow in order to live your life the best you can. Are you waiting for someone to knock on your door or hit you over the head and say "this is the road you should be taking?" Sorry but that won't happen.

Have you woken up and said "I am the owner of my life. What should I do to change things?"

If you haven't, you need to do so. Follow your intuition. Challenge your own image of success, values and beliefs.

If you aren't fitting in, you need to find your own path. Your purpose - how you are going to spend every day of the 80 or 100 or 30 years you have on this earth! You can't turn your purpose on and off. Once you find your purpose - once you find the inner calm you need - then it is a part of you forever.

Life is a wonderful gift. Each and every day is gift. Life isn't about "making money" but rather about using your new opportunity (which is another day).

Have you heard of the documentary titled "Lives Well Lived" by Sky Bergman. This 72 minute gem features 40 people ranging in age from 75 to 100. They share their deep memories, their inspiring stories, and their personal insights as to how they have lived a meaningful life.

Life goes by so quickly. Do the things that you like to do. Take time to enjoy what is happening right now. Put that phone done. Look at what is in front of you at this moment.

When we are young we believe we are immortal. And one day you realize that you too will die. Make the most of what you are given today.

As Woody Allen said "I am not afraid of death. I just don't want to be there when it happens."

Today is what you have. Use it as if it were your last. Are you doing what you love? If not, start making changes now. You need to get yourself in the right place!

Will doing "it" bring you closer to your goals?

debbie.pepin@gmail.com (Debbie Pepin) — Thu, 03 Dec 2020 18:39:43 GMT

Be Thankful - Think of Others

debbie.pepin@gmail.com (Debbie Pepin) — Wed, 25 Nov 2020 18:00:02 GMT

Thanksgiving - time to be thankful

There is much to be thankful for - if you let yourself!

Saying You Are SO Busy ... That is Boring

debbie.pepin@gmail.com (Debbie Pepin) — Thu, 19 Nov 2020 18:01:54 GMT

2020 COVID has led to discouragement, loneliness, and too busy!

When I was a child, if someone asked "how are you?", I would reply with something like "very good, thanks; how are you doing?" Or if someone asked "what are you doing tonight" I would respond saying you were watching a particular TV show or practice a new tennis swing.

Today the responses are almost always "I am soooo busy" and "I am always just doing OT". Deep inside you may be depressed and lonely but "so busy" has become the "expected" response.

Does that mean we are busier today? Technology connects us. It empowers us with immediate responses. Yet I bet that you have seen an entire day disappear due to the need to reboot your computer, update your phone, work to get a better wi-fi signal, and keep working to find that stray email or app that you know you have! BUT does that really mean we are busier today?

So you end up saying "gosh I was sooo busy" but even you don't know what you ended up so busy with. Yet it seems much more "glam" to say "I was ...well...very busy!"

In the social world - even in our pandemic stay at home and feel scared time - you can't turn up for online events on time - or earlier than everyone else. That must mean that you don't have much of a career or a life! It must be the busy, successful person who texts to say they are running 30 minutes late because they are held up in a board meeting or a business symposium or with a virtual cocktail with their private banker.

How dare you be free and not busy?

Isaiah Hankel's book The Science of Intelligent Achievement explores how to overcome distractions and the over-commitment lifestyle. Feeling rushed and weighed down by other people's expectations is the wrong way to live. You want to feel energized as you complete actions that lead to achievement of your goals and a sense of fulfillment.

No one ever were at their final days before death saying that they wish that they had done more things that really didn't matter. Yet the locked down COVID days have only added to the human need to share "busyness". I guess the person responding with "soooo busy" it telling me that they are fine and that their life is full....and that covid isn't bothering them! In reality, loneliness and isolationism probably plays some if not a large part in their life.

Selectivity is the key to productivity. How do we become selective in leading a good full life with time to stop, reflect, and care about your goals, your sense of fulfillment, and the other folks in your life?

I want to help you stop using the B word! Stay tuned.....and find some mental space that you need especially during these crazy upside down days!

What Is Your Excuse?

debbie.pepin@gmail.com (Debbie Pepin) — Thu, 12 Nov 2020 17:45:02 GMT

Caring.com completes 2020 estate planning and wills survey

When the survey asked the 2400 Americans why they have not completed some planning, an increasing number said that they didn't know how and/or the high cost of doing it. About 60% said that they believe it is very or somewhat important, the number of people who haven't yet thought about if it is important to them increased by 12% since 2019.

In 2020 30.4% said they don't have enough assets to make it worth leaving to anyone. The data shows that as one's income increased, the likelihood of having a will, living trust, or advance care directive also increases. But the number of people who have estate planning documents has decreased among all people - including those in higher income groups.

In 2019 61% of people making at least $75,000 had a will. But in 2020 just 45% of people in the highest income group said that they had one.

Putting off the discussion and writing of the documents is not something that can just be put off until "later in life". An unexpected death will have major consequences without the paperwork. Once again I remind the reader that we don't know when we will die.

When the survey asked by what age you should have a will, almost 1 in 3 participants said adults should have at least a will by age 35. Yet only 8.2% of respondents between the ages of 18 and 34 actually have a will. The conclusion is that they know they should have a will, they also may feel that they can put it off until later in life.

Talking to a loved one is an important and helpful step. Almost 20% of the participants said that they have done so. However, talking about death and estate planning isn't enough. Only 1.6% of people said that they had actually filed paperwork to create a will.

I urge you to learn and share with loved ones a few terms - wills, trusts, and advance directives. Please go to www. caring.com or other sources that I have shared throughout my blogs. You will be helping yourself and your loved ones. Today - no more excuses!

Wills, Trusts...Do I Really Need That Now?

debbie.pepin@gmail.com (Debbie Pepin) — Thu, 05 Nov 2020 20:00:02 GMT

The last will and testament is a document that allows you to decide who will inherit your assets after you die. You get to select your heirs and what they each will receive. You need to create a list of beneficiaries (people who will inherit your property and can also include organizations including nonprofits).

List all the details of who you want to pass your assets on to. You can leave everything to one person. You can divide your belongings among various people and they certainly do not have to be related. List who you want to have specific pieces of physical property to (the grandfather clock, the art on the bedroom wall, etc).

Also name an executor - a person who will be responsible for distributing your assets in accordance with your wishes. The important criteria is that you trust they will truly do what you have written. You also want to be sure that they are willing to take on the task. You can name a "second place" executor or a co-executor.

You should regularly review the will and make changes. Life changes. People in your life changes. Your assets change. What you write today is great in case you were to die soon. Do not assume that you have X number of years before your death. Write things down. Talk about them. And then regularly redo it.

At the same time you should appoint a POA or power of attorney. This document authorizes someone else to make business, legal, and financial decisions on your behalf if you become unable to manage your own affairs. Make sure you understand the requirements in your state of residence to be sure that your POA form is valid.

The POA will protect you during your lifetime and the will provides protection after your death. Together they create an umbrella of protection for your assets.

Do not keep saying that you WILL write a will. Do it now. At least create a simple will. You can do this with free online sources or some very low cost options. Dying without a will is not a good thing. No one will get what you had planned. Have a pet? Have a car? Or do you have a minor age child? You owe yourself the clarity that a will allows.

Hospice helps one live fully and die peacefully!

debbie.pepin@gmail.com (Debbie Pepin) — Thu, 29 Oct 2020 19:00:02 GMT

Are you scared? How can I help you? What to say to a loved one who is dying....

Patients often cannot accept that they are dying Loved ones may have an even harder time with accepting imminent death. Hospice is there to assist the process of death once a person decides not to continue any more life saving treatments

The sole purpose of hospice programs is to help people live fully and die at peace. Hospices are wonderfully trained to do that. They do not fight death - but make the most of the days left. They keep the patient as comfortable and able of possible. They provide assistance so that the patient can find peace in relationships and their life.

Families and privately hired help provide most of the hands-on care, but hospice staff augments with medical, spiritual, psychological, and practical support to both the patient and the family.

Some people accuse hospice of "giving up" or existing to let the person "wait to die." That is not true. Superb medical treatment is available through doctors, nurses, and other professionals. The one big difference is that the aim of the treatment is COMFORT. Everyone focuses on living life and not on fighting death.

Originally the hospice movement started with just small medical facilities where patients lived before death. Though there still are facilities - especially appropriate when no one within the home can care for the patient anymore - in the US and internationally it is more about the philosophy.

Hospice care - per Medicare and other insurance plans - requires that a doctor declares that a patient has less than six months to live. That is a prediction that many doctors won't make. It is easier with some forms of cancer but harder for less predictable illnesses like heart disease or dementia.

Other doctors may be hesitant to recommend hospice care out of fear of upsetting the patient and or the family. The doctor him or herself may still hope that they can turn things around even though they understand the prognosis.

Hospice care requires family, friends, and/or paid help to care for the patient in the home. That is not always possible. Keeping a loved one at home to die, requires a major commitment and inner fortitude.

The biggest stepping stone appears to be that people are just not ready -prepared emotionally or mentally - to choose not more medical intervention. Hospice is an all or nothing choice. Hospice requires that patients stop all life-sustaining medical treatment. the only treatment would be for the purpose of keeping the patient more comfortable. It cannot be for the purpose of fighting the underlying disease.

When you assess your own hesitancy, many patients, loved ones, and even doctors don't want to believe that the patient will die. They don't want to let go. They don't want to accept death.

"We don't want to just sit and wait and then die.. We are investigating more alternative treatments. " is often what is said. However, everyone when asked independently knew that that choice was just prolonging agony.

Whatever the age - whatever the circumstance that led to it being the "end of life" don't wait to seek out hospice and talk. Discuss the patient's situation and understand the possible services. You will want to be sure you understand options when or if the patient is ready for comfort only. And as I have shared before, waiting until you have an emergency on your hands is not a good time to make a decision or start to search. It is always best to have planned in advance so that you can maintain a calm, educated head when and if the situation arises.

Just for the record, hospice is not a service that cannot be stopped. If you as the loved one or the patient agrees to receive hospice services and then the situation changes, you can stop receiving their services. Personally I experienced a parent on and off hospice (because of eligibility) services over six years! Factoid - Hospice services began officially in the UK in 1967.

Life life both long and wide

debbie.pepin@gmail.com (Debbie Pepin) — Thu, 22 Oct 2020 19:00:02 GMT

Do you want to live life to the length you get? Or have you pushed to live it long AND wide?

Live in the present but plan for the future!

We all need a "feel good" reminder of what life is all about. The purpose of life is life with a purpose. That being said, life is an individual experience. What do you want from your life? What are you doing to make every day special? Are you able to say that you love your life - even during this pandemic? Are you finding ways to keep yourself upbeat and motivated?

To have led a "good life" does not mean that you have to have become a world renowned genius like Mozart or Gates. It means that you have left the earth a better place than when you arrived. To me it means that you have experienced joy, love, and established your own legacy.

We just don't know how long we have to experience the many gifts and offerings of life. Recently I watched the documentary (based on a true story) titled "The Elephant in the Room". It is a loving, tear-jerking story of multiple patients who face diseases that will lead to an early somewhat abrupt death accompanied by pain and fear. It is the story of the medical personnel who comprise a palliative care - hospice team with a hospital.

The love - the compassion - the ability to look a patient in the eye and really listen while also telling the truth - comes through loud and clear.

"Do what you want right now" says the doctor to the patient.

And the patient reminds the doctor "you work too hard....go enjoy that woman you love while you can."

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8857090/

We all need reminders. I know that I do. I don't even own a TV but I had to watch this - getting a bit teary eyed at my desk.

"Death does not need to be dark and frightening if we talk about it openly and work to make every moment special. Love and laughter can co-exist with loss and heartache." Bonnie Jo Freman, RN, DNP, ANP-BD, CT, ACHPN May 1957-June 2018.

Isolationism and Covid = Mental Illness

debbie.pepin@gmail.com (Debbie Pepin) — Thu, 15 Oct 2020 19:00:02 GMT

The NEW Retirement

debbie.pepin@gmail.com (Debbie Pepin) — Thu, 08 Oct 2020 19:24:03 GMT

Mindset about the words retirement, death, and preparedness.

When you hear the word retirement do you automatically think of a particular age of person? But have you at least heard about someone who at age 28 made millions on a high tech company sale? And that person could very well choose to retire.

When you hear that someone died, do you automatically picture a very old individual? About what age do you think? What does the person look like?

And when you overhear a discussion about getting your papers in order, what is your reaction? Do you think about things you should do to prepare for an unexpected death or do react with a feeling that only the elders need to worry about such things?

We are all biased. We don't want to equate living with choices. We want life to have the same constant beat - work hard, make money, enjoy life, play golf (okay maybe drive a race car instead) and then die. BUT life is full of choices and without any guarantees.

The American Society on Aging recently completed a study paid for by Edward Jones. It speaks to the dramatic changes that must be made about aging and aging services. In my opinion, the study is full of prejudices. It equates aging with retirement. and yet in reality, retirement can play out very differently for a vast array of people.

Yet the study - 4 Pillars of New Retirement - during the pandemic used 9000 adults from North America that fit across five generations. The four pillars included health, family, purpose, and finances. Edward Jones certainly has an interest in the finances part.

The study brought to light the fact that covid has turned lives upside down. Those who answered that they were coping acceptably during the lockdown time period showed it was worst amongst Gen Z and millennials. Furthermore it showed that those over age 75 known as the silent generation were coping the best. These results were because of responses to survey questions.

However, in official retiree numbers, the survey also showed them watching 48 hours of TV per week. I don't know about you, but I think that is a huge amount of TV (I don't even own one). Why don't we find ways to make these individuals - even during a pandemic - feel useful? Volunteer?

During the pandemic, 30 million Americans were estimated to have had "end of life" discussions for the first time. Could it be because the word death was used in every news article and headline? Or was it because people had too much time on their hands and the discussion had been on their "to do" lists?

Today is a great day to begin to have those challenging inner discussions about your own prejudices. We are all going to die and we don't know when. Dying is part of life. If you can't stand the idea of dying, you better start working on getting help. You will. We all do. Make each day your very best.

Thanks to Edward Jones https://www.edwardjones.com/images/Edward-Jones-4-Pillars-US-report.pdf

Talking to Children about Death

debbie.pepin@gmail.com (Debbie Pepin) — Thu, 01 Oct 2020 18:59:49 GMT

No one likes to think about death. No one wants to talk to a child about the dying process or the death of their loved one.

A child's understanding of death is limited and it is hard to comprehend what you don't know. The ability to understand death can take until teenage years.

Using softened and confusing language is not recommended. Humpty Dumpty didn't fall of the wall and had his men working on him - Humpty Dumpty died. Telling your child that their pet is sleeping leaves them running back to see if the dog or the fish has "woken up".

A child cannot grasp that their mother is "not doing very well". They have a better chance of understanding that their very sick mother is "getting ready to die soon."

Hospice experts recommend that direct language should be used with children to get them ready for someone they love and their death. And the same direct language needs to continue in the ongoing discussions after death has happened.

Children fear that a parent or another loved one may have died because of something that the child did. Your role is to work to erase that serious concern.

Children also have many somewhat unanswerable questions that need loving and thoughtful attention. "Can he hear me even though he is dead?" "Can I still talk to her?" "Where did that bird go after it died?"

Burying the dead bird found in the yard or sitting and talking about death are examples of helpful learning. It is okay for there to be tears and even for the child to respond that "death is stupid." There are no right or wrong reactions.

Why Do We Use Euphemisms for Death?

debbie.pepin@gmail.com (Debbie Pepin) — Thu, 24 Sep 2020 20:33:12 GMT

In our desire to protect people from pain, we often
"couch" our words....does that help?

Words - the language we share - may sound differently to the receiver than you intended.

It is very difficult to know that what you are saying is being received as you wished.

We can avoid saying "dead" because we want to deny it. Denial can help - at least in the short term.

If you believe in certain faiths, the real part of death is the afterlife. If someone says that your parent "went to be with the Lord" that may be a heartfelt reminder that they believe that the afterlife is better. That person may not be using the term as avoidance but rather as love.

However, if you have to be very clear about what it is happening - like when a critical medical decision is being made based on the prognosis. You must be direct so that there is no misunderstanding. Hospice and medical staff receive ongoing training on how important direct communication is in such cases.

Worrying takes energy and usually doesn't help!

debbie.pepin@gmail.com (Debbie Pepin) — Thu, 17 Sep 2020 19:15:07 GMT

What's important now?
There is always door #3.
Be a diamond.
Try me.
Which wolf will you feed?
Where you look is where you go.
Figure it out.
You are strong and you've got this.
You're doing your best.
Begin again.
Will this matter in three months?
You've slayed bigger dragons than this one.
What is really and truly important now?

Mark Twain said is credited with saying "I have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened."

Talking about death - helping a loved one get their head around death - is a part of life. Do NOT worry about it. Just plan and prepare so you can get on with living!

Talking About Death Can Be Funny!

debbie.pepin@gmail.com (Debbie Pepin) — Thu, 10 Sep 2020 20:45:03 GMT

Y ou have to find the humor in every part of life. Many times you can’t see it until well after the event as your emotions may get in the way. But talking about death is no different than talking about life.

Speaking of death, smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. But smoking bacon will cure it.

Or “did you hear that Mike Tyson was arrested for nearly beating his pizza waitress to death?” As he was finishing his pizza she asked “hey mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?”

My grandma was recently beaten to death by my grandad.

It wasn't with a club or his fists - he just died first.

You're on your death bed and you’re known as the practical joker in the family. What do you say as your last joke with your dying breath?

The cornyer the better!!

Some of us see life as half full. Others of us see life as just getting through it or half empty. Are you going to live your life fully to the very end? Or are you going to struggle to live as long as you can without regard for the fullness part?

And for my last joke of this blog, “what is the number one cause of death?”

“Life”.

I will keep talking about death. I hope that you will start to realize that the discussion is healthy and helpful. We all have so much in common as human beings. One thing we can’t sidestep is death. Enjoy your every day. Life is a gift!

Facing Death that Lingers

debbie.pepin@gmail.com (Debbie Pepin) — Thu, 03 Sep 2020 19:54:25 GMT

CHOICES IN THE END

More people die a lingering long life death than any other type of death. You have heard it said that dying is “messy business”. It surely can be protracted.

Three-quarters of all deaths occur in people over age 65. Most people have on their death certificate one of the following causes of death (in that age group):

• Heart disease

• Cancer

• Stroke

• Diabetes

• Alzheimer’s Disease

Signs that people are at the end of life include:

• Coolness to the touch

• Confusion

• Sleeping (a lot)

• Incontinence

• Restlessness

• Congestion

• Urine decrease

• Fluid and food decreased intake

• Change in breathing

• Fever

If you haven’t experienced seeing these behaviors in a loved one, you probably will. It is best that you are prepared.

There are choices to be made at the end (very different from the sudden death discussed in my last blog). This is the “practical” side of death. What sorts of machines, medications, tests, and other treatments do you want to have done?

If you have the information, you can talk about death in real terms and not just in vague wishes. You will be better prepared to make informed decisions in the face of death.

Most of us blindly choose a treatment because it will fight a disease – which is a good goal. However, is it a futile effort? Do you need to establish goals and an endpoint? Define help. How long will you allow the “trial” to continue? If the treatment doesn’t accomplish the goals, what is the alternative?

Maybe you promised your mother that you will never put her on a ventilator. But her condition may warrant the use of a ventilator for a short time to just get her through a medical crisis. You can say that if she has not regained consciousness or shown signs of regaining strength after X time you want the ventilator removed. You can change course!

As time marches on and you watch a loved one struggle without any quality of life, what do you do? You need to answer that question in terms of what the patient wants – not in terms of what you want. That will take inner fortitude.

If you can, take time to think. Get a second opinion if possible. Talk with other loved ones. Grieve. But heed the wishes of your loved one. Don’t be swayed by what other might think. You have to trust yourself.

Machines, life support, DNR vs. CPR, artificial nutrition, and brain dead are all terms thrown out often at the end of life. It will help to at least know a bit about them and what they mean.

You may have responsibility for someone you love who seems to just linger – not be responsive to much and not able to make their own decisions. It is very hard on you to watch.

My dear friend has been sitting wringing her hands and cleaning her mother’s brow and bottom for well over a year. She can’t afford to hire a care manager or a care giving company. It is heartbreaking to watch what the lengthy death is doing to my friend. No one is gaining anything.

You on behalf of the patient can say no to any treatment. Your loved one does not have to go back into the hospital or into a rehab center. You have to have a loud and committed voice (and constitution) and know that you are doing it as your loved one would want.

There is plenty of time to say good-bye in this lengthy death. Is it better or worse than the sudden almost instant death with no time to say goodbye? Face it please - you don’t get to pick! Just be prepared!

Death Can Be Very Quick - With no Room for Choices

debbie.pepin@gmail.com (Debbie Pepin) — Fri, 28 Aug 2020 21:00:55 GMT

We are all going to die....

WHO NEEDS TO KNOW?

debbie.pepin@gmail.com (Debbie Pepin) — Fri, 21 Aug 2020 14:09:44 GMT

Think about who needs to know what - and try to stop being so private! You need others to help as you think about the inevitability of your death.

Facing the death of a loved one is tough enough. It is extra difficult when you have told your best friend your wishes – such as don’t you dare let me cremate me – but you haven’t put it in writing or even told your spouse. “I don’t want to upset him. But he better not do what I don’t want.”

Excuse me? It is hard enough to get through a death without expecting mind reading to be a part of the game plan. You have to put your wishes in writing. You have to tell people you love what you do and don’t want.

And you don’t know where to start? How about creating every possible situation you can imagine yourself in before your death. Example: If you got hit by a car tomorrow what would your survivors need to know (that they don’t already know)? If you were one of the COVID-19 victims lingering in a solitary confinement hospital bed for months before dying, what would your loved ones need to know? If you mother died tomorrow, who do you give her wedding ring to? Do you know where your parents keep their will?

Some things will just have to be figured out on their own. Other things could be worked on in advance – and allow for time for someone to change their mind again and again. With luck, you and your loved ones will live to a very old age with good quality of life. However, that is not a guarantee.

Other questions can be talked about based on circumstances. Do you have young children? Is there paperwork naming how they will be cared for – by whom, financially, and more? Or on a less heavy note, how does someone access your Post Office box (oh they don’t know you have one?) or is there something pretty secret in the back of your desk drawer that you don’t want your daughter or someone else to ever see?

Who needs to know is a HUGE question when you are not around – or able – to answer the question. Why not plan today so that if the unexpected happens the answers are available? Talking about death won’t kill you – but you can be guaranteed that you will die. We just don’t have expiration dates.

Are You Facing the Death of Someone You Love?

debbie.pepin@gmail.com (Debbie Pepin) — Thu, 13 Aug 2020 16:45:42 GMT

Are You Facing the Serious Illness and Imminent Death of Someone You Love?

Death and your wishes need to be an ongoing evolving discussion

Were You Taught NEVER To Talk About Death?

debbie.pepin@gmail.com (Debbie Pepin) — Thu, 06 Aug 2020 22:17:35 GMT

Someone you love will need your help preparing for death - as we all will die. Having deep discussions take a lot of work, patience and understanding. These talks will help both parties in many ways!

Were you brought up being told that some things were not to be talked about? And I would guess that death is one thing you NEVER EVER discussed.

But what happens when your parents die and you had no idea what their beliefs and needs and even fears were about death? Do you want to regret the fact that you left death as an untouched subject?

If you have that strong of a background in believing that death can’t be discussed, how can you help your loved ones understand your wishes? Or do you lie in bed thinking you wish someone would ask you but then realizing that they would be afraid to approach you on the subject?

Unfortunately most of us do not go beyond discussing death in the most hands-off ways. “Yes, I have a will. Yes, I have made funeral arrangements. Yes, I completed a living will. Now can we talk about something else?”

Talking about death – deep long and ongoing discussions – is critical if we are to change the way we die. We have to know how our loved ones feel and share our own fears, beliefs and hopes with them. Otherwise we will be forced to guess our loved one’s wishes or have them guess ours. Is that fair?

Even if the person you selected to speak for you if and when you can’t knows you very well, it is hard to believe they know what you would want in a specific situation. Trust them? Sure! But it will be easier for them to act if s/he has talked with you about it and heard your views.

If you have talked about death when everyone involved are relatively healthy, the subject won’t be so off-limits when you really need it, when you or your loved ones are ill and decisions need to be made, or need to be discussed. If you touched on the subject already, it will be much easier to ask tough questions or get information and start making decisions when death looms as it will.

And remember that your health care proxy is vitally important but also talk to your doctors about all of this. Your medical team needs to know your views BUT just as important, you need to know whether your doctor understands and respects these views.

How do you start such a conversation? How do you get someone you love to take you seriously? And even harder might be getting a parent to not take offence? It is far easier to have the discussion when death isn’t imminent. That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t push forward if failing health is also an issue.

You can try to approach the subject by talking about what you did – I finally got XXX to agree to be my health care proxy – to speak for me in the case that I can’t about my medical and treatment wishes. Then you can turn it to “who do you have named?” and take it from there.

If that falls on deaf ears you may want to reference a recent article you read. Share it. Talk about it. And try to use it as a lead in to discussing your loved ones wishes.

Someone walking into the kitchen and saying “can we talk about death” doesn’t cut it. The one response you might get is “oh my goodness; why didn’t you tell us; what is wrong?”

Conversations about death need to be set up in a comfortable setting where you won’t be interrupted. Speak your mind and allow the other person to speak and think. Listen intently. Ask clarifying questions. Take some notes. Promise to share the notes after you are done.

Conversations about death may start very awkward and not informative at first. The discussions should become easier and more enlightening. You might cry. Hugging may be important. And know that the discussions need to happen over and over again as things and decisions will change.

The goal of such discussion is to lead to better dying and just as important a deeper level of intimacy with the person you love.

Talking about death means that you are talking about life. It is not a discussion that is meant to have a checklist that you run through to feel “well I did that”. It is about getting to know someone on a whole new level. It needs to include understanding what someone you love finds frightening, painful, comforting, and loving. And it means preparing one another for the time when you have to let go, say good-bye, and take some responsibility for how that death will happen.

Next week we will talk about the serious illness and/or death of someone you knew. If you haven’t witnessed a death, it helps to talk to people who have. This discussion is an ongoing process.

Facing death, most worry most about missing life!

debbie.pepin@gmail.com (Debbie Pepin) — Thu, 30 Jul 2020 23:31:14 GMT

The Party Will Go On Without You - So Enjoy Every Day You Have!

What is frightening to you about death? What is not frightening to you about death? Do you believe in an afterlife? Take a good hard look at death - and do it over and over and over again so you can feel like you "get it".

You have to face your own fears. If we don't acknowledge our own fears we will be so shocked and useless when we face the death of a loved one that we will respond in a way that we could regret later.

The world will go on without us. That is hard to face. We dread death because we don't want to be a burden to others. We dread death because we aren't finished (with living) yet. There are so many journeys yet to take and so many dreams yet to make happen!

Hug now. Say things now. And work to get your bag of mixed fears and feelings in front of your mind. All of this is a GREAT reason to live every day more fully - more full of love - while creating memories and stories. What will "they" say about you after you leave this earth is something you can continue to work on until your very last breath!

How much pain can you tolerate? Discuss this!

debbie.pepin@gmail.com (Debbie Pepin) — Thu, 23 Jul 2020 20:53:05 GMT

Pain management should also include emotional and spiritual pain.

You want your wishes to be respected BUT how specific were you in both your legal paperwork and in your discussions with loved ones and your medical team? Pain does not need to be tolerated -there is relief available in most cases. Providing relief is a part of the continuum of care. We know that medical teams are infamous for ALWAYS checking your vital signs - your blood pressure, temperature, pulse, and your respiration rate. BUT why don't they also check your pain at the moment? It too is a vital sign.

And pain can also be emotional and spiritual which require the same amount of attention. The present pandemic has left people to enter hospitals alone - without emotional comfort and without human touch. Long term that loneliness and inner fear plays havoc with your heart (disease) and your mind.

Death whenever possible needs to occur in a place where you - the patient - are most comfortable and feel like you have the most control over your own life. For most people, they specifically request to die at home.

In fairness to you as the patient and to your loved one(s), the medical team needs to be upfront and state that death could come at any time. Too often one hears stories of them being shocked and completely devastated because "they" say that they had no idea death was so soon. Put yourself in a position - in the mindset - that you encourage the medical team to tell you and the patient (if possible) the truth. Often medical personnel say that they didn't want to alarm the loved ones. But by remaining silent - by hedging the conversation - there is more room for anger and lost moments.

Are you being quiet - or avoiding any discussions - because you are truly doing the right thing for the patient? Or is there a chance that you are being selfish? Hard to do introspection at this time but it would help to be aware that your own needs and fears end up coloring the thought process.

That being said, don't postpone anything you don't have to. Wait until you are old? When are you old? When will you die? We knew that mom was nearing death. The list of medications required daily kept growing. Falls continued to happen. Memory loss was becoming obvious to everyone around her. We knew that we had one last chance to take her to a childhood spot that she had been talking about. Do it! Don't keep making excuses. Every single day is a gift.

As we get our heads around the fact that death will come - and that pain management is important - and that personal wishes should be adhered to whenever possible - let us remember dignity. Humans want to retain dignity. They want to feel that they are respected for who they are and they don't have to be subjected to demeaning acts. You know your loved one - brushing or trimming hair, dressing in a flattering color, being allowed to have privacy when needing a bathroom - and you can help them retain all the dignity they can.

We are all headed for death. There is no getting around it. Making decisions that are in writing and conform to legal requirements for your state of residence are critically important! Fortunately you can make changes up until the day you can't anymore! Look at the upcoming blog. And enjoy every day! It is a gift to be savored!

Do You Understand Dying Wishes of Loved Ones?

debbie.pepin@gmail.com (Debbie Pepin) — Wed, 15 Jul 2020 22:52:14 GMT

Who Said Dying Was Easy Anyway?

Did You Really Think That Your Parent Wouldn't Die?

debbie.pepin@gmail.com (Debbie Pepin) — Thu, 09 Jul 2020 20:49:54 GMT

With the constant media attention to coronavirus deaths, hospitalizations, testing identification per day, etc. most people can't get COVID-19 off their minds.

Do you know someone who was identified with Covid-19? Did they exhibit symptoms? Stay in the hospital? Require ICU? Do you know anyone personally who died from it?

About 3.1 million Americans (under 1% of the total population) have been identified as having Covid-19. However, only about 2.2% of those persons have died from it. Every death is sad for sure. Let's not forget that there are over 331,000,000 Americans. Let's put Covid in perspective with the last huge virus scare - 2013 and the H7N9 Bird Flu where over 39% of those who were identified with it died.

Now let's talk about how long are you going to live.....something you keep selecting not to talk about. Do you know someone who had a loved one die before the age of 65? In the USA there is a 30% chance that you (or someone you love) will die before that age.

Death is real. Death happens to all of us. We don't know when or how we will die (in most cases). We only know that being prepared for death is helpful for the dying and for the loved ones.

Covid? Heart attack? Car accident? Cancer? And many more causes of death surround us all.

Enjoy today. Live every day with a purpose. Celebrate! Talking about death won't kill you.

You don't lose a family member - they die! And we don't know when....but we act like we all have unlimited time! And now in the days of Covid-19 we talk about deaths and numbers being put in hospitals? Is it really different? There is no right way to die - nor a right way to live. But don't say "you had no idea" or "you were shocked"....life is finite.

We say we want to die at home, but over 60% of Americans die in an acute care facility (and another 20% at nursing homes and other institutions).

N.E.D. Chats - No Expiration Date

debbie.pepin@gmail.com (Debbie Pepin) — Wed, 01 Jul 2020 21:49:19 GMT

N.E.D. Chats - This is a term I have trademarked as a "special signal" that it is time to talk about the fact that we all will die. N. E. D. stands for "no expiration date". Instead of telling your friends you are going to talk about death you can say "oh I have to go to the NED Chats meeting"....truthfully I hope you will get comfortable enough to say "where we talk about the fact that we are all going to die and we have NO idea when".

This is an opportunity to discuss death before you HAVE to face death. We are all going to die and early discussions mean that you can be free to get living (and not worrying about what you know you should do to be prepared).

We are all going to die. It is our one commonality. But as a society we won't and don't talk about it. If the subject is broached it is when someone is very old or been given an end of life diagnosis. Is that the best time to stop and reflect on what you want from life - and what you want for your dying wishes? NO!!!

There are leading questions to consider that will help you realize all the questions you haven't discussed with anyone - even with yourself. Lets talk about death.

If you knew that today is your last day, what regrets would you have? Be as specific as possible. Make a list of everything you had hoped to do before you died. Talk with loved ones about the things on your list. Ask yourself what has kept you from doing any or all of the thing listed. And work to make a plan to start on the list immediately.

You do not come with an expiration date. Why are you acting like the insurance actuarial table you saw once is the true answer to your date of death? Only 70% of Americans live beyond age 65. Is that a sobering number?

To add to it, now we no longer talk about "watch out as you don't know if you might be run over by the bus" to new discussions on "would the COVIC-19 take me?"

https://injuryfacts.nsc.org/all-injuries/preventable-death-overview/odds-of-dying/

We don't know what we will die from - and you don't get much to say about it. You can take wonderful care of yourself and yet your death is mostly out of your control. All you can control is how you live your life TODAY and the wishes you want carried out when you can't speak for yourself.

Lets talk about death! Then let us live life!

No Right Way to Live or To Die!

debbie.pepin@gmail.com (Debbie Pepin) — Thu, 25 Jun 2020 21:54:08 GMT

DYING IS USUALLY A LONG DIFFICULT PAINFUL AND EVEN LONELY PROCESS....

WHAT ARE YOU MOST PROUD OF TODAY?

debbie.pepin@gmail.com (Debbie Pepin) — Wed, 17 Jun 2020 21:23:39 GMT

Things don’t just happen – you have to work to make things work! Ever notice that the harder you work, the more things fall in place? “The harder I work the luckier I get”….and old adage! (BTW it is credited to Thomas Jefferson).

It isn’t too late for you to make something happen today (try a new recipe?)…..and tomorrow before you jump out of bed make sure you have your plan started. Life is for living. Life is glorious. Sure you will die. However, use every moment to the best of your ability. You will feel so good!

If you have a life threatening condition...

debbie.pepin@gmail.com (Debbie Pepin) — Thu, 11 Jun 2020 21:17:02 GMT

We Are Just Mortals - with no real medical issues

debbie.pepin@gmail.com (Debbie Pepin) — Fri, 05 Jun 2020 21:58:05 GMT

How COVID-19 has made us think differently - which is good and bad. How are you?

Though the purpose of my book and blog is certainly not to dwell on current affairs, it is hard not to speak of issues we face. The COVID-19 pandemic put the word death on the media screens everywhere. The FEAR was that everyone would or could get this awful horrific virus and die! The FEAR was that hospitals would not be able to handle the number of cases. Adding to the fear was a belief that if you didn’t get it, you could still be carrying it and infecting many that you came in contact with.

We Closed the World for COVID-19. I returned home from a month long trip visiting friends and great sites in New Zealand on February 27. The concern there was that innkeepers knew that a lot of tourists from China were cancelling and they were concerned about income loss. Other than that I was “out of touch”. Then I got home, went to a grocery store and couldn’t buy toilet paper, and by March 15 my part of the world was scared and shut down.

Have you made sense of it all? We created friction between individuals – “you went outside of your home?” OR “Are you a scaredy-cat?”

We pointed fingers at just about everyone arguing blame and poor decisions. And this was not limited to the USA though we were certainly out front. Friends of mine from around the world have their own stories – of new poverty, anger, mental health issues, physical health issues, and more.

And I am not trying to dispel any of your beliefs or fears. Only you can do that. I only know what I think – and I don’t have a direct line to “the truth”. Who does?

Every day you make a decision that impacts the chances of you dying. If you get into a car, what is the chance of an auto accident? Getting on a plane, same question arises? Eating new type of food? Trying a new sport? Pushing your own limits as you jog in the heat? Don’t seek medical advice when facing a personal quagmire?

During this pandemic we now face decisions as your respective state opens back up. Do you go back to your office or job? Do you keep wearing a mask even when not required? Do you join friends? Are you eating in restaurants or not yet ready to try a take out?

There are stories and facts for every one of those scenarios. Do you stop and analyze those before you get into a car? Probably not….But you surely have had that awful gut wrenching concern about the Coronavirus at least some time during the last few months.

Life As A Mortal - You Have to Embrace that Fact

debbie.pepin@gmail.com (Debbie Pepin) — Fri, 29 May 2020 21:57:08 GMT

Let’s talk about death in order to improve the way we live. Life is only temporary. No one can deny that fact. It is beneficial to think about our own dying to recognize what life is – a gift. But we see death as “the monster”.

There really is no greater mystery in life than death. We don’t know what happens at the moment of death. Maybe if we knew we might let go of life more easily? It can’t be wrong to resist death to the end. Yet accepting death and living truly at the same time is a conundrum for many. Are we afraid of being dead?

We often say that someone dying younger than “old” has had life unfairly taken from them. But anyone can die at any age. Is the issue death to the person who is dying or death or is about those left behind?

When someone you love dearly dies, it is natural to feel horrific grief. The best thing would be able to get your head around the fact that you had that person in your life – and celebrate that fact. No one promised how long your gift of that person would be a part of your life. Work to celebrate the time that you did have with one another.

DEATH IS NOT A MONSTER! LIFE IS A GIFT!

DEATH TAKES US AT DIFFERENT AGES AND IN DIFFERENT WA YS

it is true that we all die – that death is our commonality. Yet humans die very different deaths. Some die at younger ages and some at older. And the deaths seem to involve very different types and degrees of pain. It is harder yet to get your head around an infant who is shot dead by a crazy person driving down the street haphazardly shooting. It is even difficult to understand the 40 year old who dies from cancer. But does any of that knowledge make accepting your own death any easier?

It might have been Woody Allen who said that he was fine with death – as long as it wasn’t his own. He is attributed to saying “Death; I’m totally against it.”

If today is your last day on earth...

debbie.pepin@gmail.com (Debbie Pepin) — Fri, 22 May 2020 14:25:49 GMT

Every day is a gift. We don’t often think of that. We try to “get through” each day. We have bills to pay. We have obligations to other people and/or to a job and/or to a child or an elderly parent. Life feels like a struggle. There is never enough time. “I just want to sleep!” or “My gift is when I finally take a vacation.”

More than in the past, interviews are showing that more people during the COVID-19 feel that each day is NOT a gift. Each day is another day to “get through crap.” But there is no promise of tomorrow. Life throws curve balls. You can’t live life waiting for the “perfect moment” as that moment is what you make of it.

In my upcoming book “In Case You Die” you are helped to realize that putting things off only makes the issue of not feeling content with your life more obvious.

Do you have regrets about things you have said to other people? If you died in your sleep would there be people you wish you had made amends with? Can you say “I’m sorry” Can you forgive others? Have you said “I love you” often enough? Have you told people that you love that you are okay with death as it is part of life?

And above all else do you have inner peace? Do you feel that you have balanced your life with what you need and want? Do you need help with any of this? It could be support, counseling or spiritual care.

What would you say is the legacy you will leave? Are there lessons you have passed on to family and friends? This doesn’t have to be in a formal sense but rather in the actions you perform. Have your written them down or recorded them in some way? Is there someone you are close to who can share this with others on your behalf? How about a personal history? Who would you give that to?

And in the broad topic of personal peace with every single day, what is still on your to do list?? Can you fix issues with people? Can you get more things off your bucket list and on to your check/done list? What is holding you back?

Life is about today. You are alive. You have amazing abilities. You have a story. You have inner thoughts. Are you maximizing them all? Do it!!!

The sun rises and the sun sets...

Covid 19 has led to FEAR and continual talk about death! WHY?

debbie.pepin@gmail.com (Debbie Pepin) — Wed, 13 May 2020 20:17:55 GMT

If you need to be admitted to the hospital, most times it means there is something seriously wrong going on. There are things you should do to prepare -
if you didn't do them before - and the crisis made it seem more relevant.

No matter what the reason is that you have to go to the hospital, it is a prudent idea to create a "to go" bag of articles that you will need and want during your stay. That "bag" should include a list of medications, important phone numbers and names, your cell phone and charger, personal supplies, and an advance directive (in case you can't speak for yourself) or something acting like one.

The difference during this Coronavirus pandemic is that most patients cannot have anyone with them in the hospital. That is true for patients being admitted with or without the COVID-19 label. That makes doing an advance care directive event more important.

There are free online sources to complete such a document - which can be signed by witnesses (this varies a bit state by state) using social distancing. One easy to follow site is found on UCSF's website www.prepareforyourcare.org . The free site has the legally acceptable form in English and Spanish available for every state.

The critical part of completing this form - and remembering to bring it with you - is telling both your doctors/nurses AND people you love that you have such a form. Make sure they understand that you completed the form without any pressure so that it truly represents your deep dark wishes. Be sure that the main individual you name to speak for you is someone you know will not waiver. It is not always best to name your partner as they may be too emotional. Select someone who you know you can trust in this emotional setting.

Often a family member will think they are helping by trying to object - if their own view differs from yours. However, if you have it in writing AND have told several people of your wishes, the one dissenting individual will not have THE voice. In this scary, unknown pandemic scenario, there is a belief highlighted by much media, that a ventilator is a panacea. That being said, there are major risks that come with the use of that, for example. You may not want to endure such risks. It is your choice.

Hopefully, you will not succumb to COVID 19 or even require hospitalization from it, but having an advance directive with you at all times and updating it for different scenarios is a very important ingredient. Let's all use this time to recognize the importance of pre-planning our death - so that we can free our minds to live life the best we can!

We are all going to die. We don't know when. Being prepared is the mature helpful thing to do - for you, your medical team, and your loved ones.

What Impact are YOU making on your world?

debbie.pepin@gmail.com (Debbie Pepin) — Thu, 07 May 2020 22:41:05 GMT

What can you control in your life?
You are the only person in charge of your attitude!

No matter where you are living, the uncertainty related to the pandemic and the differing instructions about living and surviving leave you feeling uncertain. However, the truth is that we are never sure of every day - will we live through it (illness? accident? great news? bad news? or a pandemic?). Death is a part of life. Live each day the best you can and you will not die with regrets.

You can control you own attitude. You control how you react to whatever life lays out before you. It takes inner peace and staying true to yourself.

How about if today is your last day? I know you don't want to think about that. No one does. Humans work hard to survive and thrive. However, since we don't know when our last day is we need to feel we would die proud.

Could you make changes so that you don't end up just showing anger? Can you pick to be more kind to those around you or those that you come in contact with?

As the world works to "open up" and slowly move to a normalcy (albeit a "new" normal), what can you do differently to make the world a better place? Call the person you should have called a long time ago. Reach out to someone who usually does all the reaching. Be proud of who you are and how you interact with the world.

Don't forget that there are always things to be thankful for. Count those instead of what you are NOT thankful for. You will feel better. And the world will be a nicer place because of what you did, said and shared.

What are YOU learning from this lockdown pandemic?

Thu, 30 Apr 2020 17:06:40 GMT

Every day can feel upside down during the COVID-19 pandemic. You may have lost your income. You may feel very lonely. You may have a house full of kids or trying to home school AND work. The only thing that you can control is your attitude!

T he word DEATH appears both in print and in news casts every minute of every day. What do you believe? Who do you believe? What are the facts vs. the opinions? One thing is for sure - you have a lot more alone time - or stay at home time - then you have had in a very long time.

Seven and a half years ago I was told that I had a very aggressive cancer that would require immediate treatment if I wanted to live. It didn't take long to realize that I was willing to fight as hard as possible to live - to continue the great life I knew. But during the treatments - both chemo and radiation - I felt very much like I do now during the stay-at-home order. When I was sick, the only person I really wanted to see or be with was my husband who made the best nurse ever! Truthfully I didn't go anywhere besides to the hospital for treatments or emergencies. But I didn't want to be anywhere but home. And I had a lot of time to think - to really assess who I am and how I was using my life.

Today we are all in this together! It isn't me fighting the cancer - it is all of us in a world we never have experienced, never expected, and feel totally out of control about. There is solace in that fact. This time I don't want to stay home. I don't want to hide from my friends. But I also want all of us to live long and prosper (thanks Leonard Nimoy).

We are all connected. Do you feel that more than ever now? We need one another. Sure we have to stay six feet away as we try to get in some serious walking or biking - but a heartfelt wave (no I can't see your smile with our masks on) is wonderful! It is a way to acknowledge that we are all together. Be kind to your fellow human! We are all experiencing the pandemic in our own way. Some of us laugh it off; some of us hide; some of us are very productive; and some of us feel we are doing nothing with our days.

We are all in the same storm. The boats each of us are on are very different - some comfortable cruisers and others with one oar or leaks. But we all have the same goal - to weather the storm.

For the next few blogs I will ask you some questions for the purpose of self analysis. I hope that they help. And I hope that you realize that the them of this website - none of us know when we will die - is being shoved in our face every minute. Death is a part of life. Everyone will die. That is just a fact of life.

Live each day like it is your last. Do things that you are happy about. Be proud of who you are. The purpose of life is life with a purpose. Try saying that mantra when you can't fall asleep or when you feel paralyzed by events around you.

You are all dealing with a different situation. We can't get in one another's shoes. But we can admit that death is a part of life. Prepare for it by telling people what you want to have happen when you can't speak for yourself. Write things down that need to be written like a will or appointing someone to speak for you (advance directive).

Awareness of your own mortality will allow you to put the fear and planning behind you - and concentrate on living!

Am I Too Late to Get Wishes on Paper?

Thu, 23 Apr 2020 21:41:10 GMT

Now I Realize that I should have Gotten My Papers in Order…
but It is probably too Late – What Do I Need?

Whether you fell down the stairs and have bleeding on your brain or whether you were just diagnosed with aggressive COVID 19, you may feel that sense of panic. "I never completed paperwork OR I never told my loved ones what I want if my death is imminent." The good news is that it may not be too late.

No, you won’t get all your papers in order. If you die and your estate has assets that haven’t been deeded to others or had beneficiaries named, you won’t avoid probate. But if you have relatively simple assets, it won’t be a huge burden to those you left behind.

If I could recommend one thing that you should do – because of your scary medical state – it is to name someone to speak for you – to be your “trusted decision maker” or substitute consent giver.

Feel you have little time to make your wishes known? I strongly recommend you look at www.joincake.com and click the "trusted decision maker form". I explain it below.

Right now you may not have time to complete the ubiquitous advance directive (also known as a living will). But you can complete a simple form stating who you want to speak for you (and even a backup person). You can select to:

1 appoint someone to make all the decisions for you trusting that they know you that well

2 keep on living no matter how much medical intervention is tried and needed from machines to special care units

3 only agree to live if you have a good change of getting better

4 not suffer and hence not allow special medical treatments like CPR or breathing machines but rather die naturally

It isn’t a legal document but since common practice is for the medical world to do everything possible to keep you alive, the form will help a loved one speak for you and get heard. Without this they probably will turn to a spouse (we all don’t have one), adult children (again if you have those and if they care), or your own parents (if you are lucky enough to still have one of those).

With luck, you will not fall down the stairs, nor will you get the COVID 19 at least not to the extent that your life lies in the balance. With luck, this will be the wakeup call you needed to remind you that life does not go on forever. That making plans way in advance of when they are needed is a good thing – for you and for your loved ones.

A Long LIfe is a Gift! Be Grateful for Every Day!

Thu, 16 Apr 2020 14:49:55 GMT

What is all this talk about getting papers in order? Covid 19? Or finally an awareness that
we are all going to die?

Did you think that you would or should live at least to a specific age? The number of people I have questioned who say “well of course I sure as heck better make it until at least 80” or something to that effect. Yet in the days of old, most people didn’t live to be old. There were few notable books or plays about “old old age”.

At the same time we frequently refuse to discuss death since we will be living until age ____ (you fill in the blank). That refusal to discuss death until you believe you are “near death” is a bad decision for a number of reasons.

The coronavirus of today has most people fearing their life and staying home to avoid getting sick. It also has put the word “death” on the forefront. Do you still believe strongly that you will be around until some magic age? Do you really know your expiration date?

The decision you make today and put into writing – an advance directive, durable power of attorney, living trust and/or will, a power of attorney and (maybe) a POLST (provider orders for life sustaining treatment) or in some other states MOST (medical orders for scope of treatment) or MOLST (medical orders life sustaining treatment; six states do not yet recognize any such orders.

We all need an advance directive. It is called different things in different states but they all are a legal document used to provide guidance about what types of treatments you may want to receive in case of a future, unknown medical emergency. In it you name who can speak for you should you not be able to speak for yourself.

On the other hand a POLST form (or whatever it is called where you reside) is a medical order for the specific medical treatment you want during an emergency. They are appropriate for persons with a serious illness or advanced condition near the end of life.

Isn’t it the mature thing to do to discuss death as a part of life? And get your papers in order! You can redo them as often as makes sense – maybe use the birthdays ending in 0 as the time to dust them off and review and revise.

Why Did It Take Covid-19 to Get us to Discuss Death?

Mon, 06 Apr 2020 21:31:59 GMT

Talk about Death as a Part of Life....we will all die!

QUESTION -

If you had to select between a great month doing almost what you wanted or three months lying in bed what would be your choice?

Planning for death is the mature thing to do. Not having a plan is wrong for the folks left behind to “guess” what is the thing that their loved one would have wanted if they could still speak for themselves?

Talking about death – not about “passing on” or “being in a better place” – is a healthy part of living. We all need to come to grips with the fact that we should make the most of each and every day – as none of us knows how many of those we will get!

Grief Must Be Acknowledged - A Valid Human Emotion

Wed, 25 Mar 2020 20:30:31 GMT

Grief in the World of Covid-19 - Anger and Fear

The Covid-19 virus has turned the world upside down in a matter of days. No one can escape the shock, fear, denial, anger and/or pain that surround it.

It is not at all unusual to be thinking “why me…why am I sick?” And for the multitudes who are not sick from the virus there is the thoughts of unemployment, lack of money, fear of going outside, grocery shopping, loneliness and more lead to sleepless nights and almost nonstop panic.

We are all experiencing a form of grief. Grief is very personal and certainly surrounds the death of a loved one. We have to recognize that we can’t escape grief. Elizabeth Kubler–Ross in her book "On Death and Dying" identified the five stages of grief.

Everyone does not go through every stage – and certainly not in the exact same order. But we all do experience emotional changes because of grief.

It seems scary to many for me to suggest that these days are a good time to consider admitting that we are all going to die. The Coronavirus is no different. It could be a cause of death. More importantly, it is an opportunity to work a bit harder to get your head around the need to make death a normal part of life. We are all going to die. Period.

The stages of grief include:

• Denial (and shock)

• Anger (which can include pain and guilt)

• Bargaining (if you don’t let my family get sick I promise to….)

• Depression (and resultant loneliness)

• Acceptance (and making plans)

Grief is very real. Let yourself grieve. Be patient with yourself. Let others you love know that you understand their grief. Work to help them study the grieving process.

You probably have some unexpected time on your hands. Why not use it to develop a way to have the necessary conversation about death and planning with yourself – and with someone you love. We don’t know when we will die. But we do know that we will die.

Write a Few Letters to Be Opened After Your Death

Wed, 11 Mar 2020 21:11:32 GMT

TODAY - write letters to people that they can open after your death! Live life today with no regrets...
if I only had isn't a good thought on your death bed

Talking about Death - Why is it so Hard for ALL of us?

Tue, 03 Mar 2020 23:06:45 GMT

BEING MORTAL - PBS SPECIAL ON FRONTLINE -
DR. ATUL GAWANDE

Why do we not talk about death? What makes it so taboo? And then when a dire illness or catastrophe strikes we feel ill equipped to make even the most basic of decisions?

I believe that our unwillingness to discuss death – our fixation on it being a morbid subject – leads to the circular discussion of “if we talk about death we will die”.

YES WE WILL DIE – EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US WILL DIE.

We just don’t know when.

Fixate on it? No no no. Please realize that talking about it when things are wonderful and life feels perfect is a great time to make plans and put them to pen.

Surgeon and writer Atul Gawande has a series on FrontLine (PBS) that show us his findings as to why even doctors have such a hard time facing death. “Aging and dying are the two things we can’t fix” he says. That being said, doctors are trained to believe that if they work hard enough – study a problem hard enough – that they can find a solution.

There is not a solution for every medical issues – and certainly not for aging. Are you wanting to be “living to your end” or “fighting to your end?” There is a big difference in those two.

Please view the PBS well done documentaries.

https://pbsinternational.org/programs/being-mortal/

https://pbsinternational.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/150574_BEING_MORTAL_SS_LORES.pdf

How to Have THE Conversation - More Ideas

Thu, 20 Feb 2020 04:57:29 GMT

Writing one's own obituary or a summation of experiences to date are a tangible way to review how precious life is. Would you feel your life had been full?

Getting THE Conversation Going ..Talking About Death

Mon, 10 Feb 2020 19:05:23 GMT

THE "conversation" is easier the more we broach it. You can be the one to open the doors to dialogue!

Research shows that about 90% of Americans believe that having a will and related papers in place is important. Even if we look at only the only 55 year old population, less than 55% have a will. And only one-third have an advance health care directive. Some will tell you that millennials are the “death positive” generation. The National Funeral Directors Association cites that 15.8% of Americans between 18 and 39 think that they should plan their funeral before age 40.

We need to kick it up! We don't know when we are going to die!

What is an advance health care directive? It differs a bit state by state but a quick check in at https://www.medicinenet.com/advance_medical_directive_sample_form/views.htm shows you an example. More on-line searching can lead to state specific examples. An advance health care directive – a living will - is a legal document (but no lawyer needed) that states a person’s wishes about receiving medical care if that person is no longer able to make medical decisions because of a serious illness or injury. An advance directive may also give a person (such as a spouse, relative, or friend) the authority to make medical decisions for another person when that person can no longer make decisions. There are different types of advance directives, including a living will, durable power of attorney (DPA) for healthcare, and do not resuscitate (DNR) orders.

DNR is only about whether one wants to be given CPR if their heart stops beating. It is NOT about what other medical interventions one wants and does not want.

So you start talking to a friend or loved one about death and who they know who has died. You finally make the progression to “so what can I do about it”? Your response is to talk about the minimum paperwork that should be done.

Prior blogs reference many sites where you can find the state specific paperwork to get things going – without expense!

However, let’s assume that they still don’t make any effort to move forward with doing something. How about playing to their personality?

Ideas-

• Ask who they used to help them complete their will and related materials. Continue to ask what they feel is the strength of the paperwork they have done. Silence speaks volumes. You aren’t telling them to do something – you are asking them to help you!

• Remind them that doing nothing means that state law will govern how assets are handled and divided. It also states what fee is paid to the state for having served as the “required” executor.

• Get facts on what the implications of taxes if they do not do anything. No one likes the idea of paying taxes – especially after death when the money had already been taxed.

• Bring in the free papers available on line and sit down together to complete a make-believe set. Demonstrate how painless it really is to complete.

See my next blog on another way to approach the importance of facing the inevitability of death.

Plan for your hard earned money or the government will should you die.

Let's Talk about Death and Your Plans

Fri, 31 Jan 2020 22:06:25 GMT

It isn't quite so easy to figure out how to begin
THE needed chat....

Can you make it your goal to start this discussion with one friend or loved one? What is your excuse for not doing it this week? Do some introspective thinking as to why you are so hesitant. Are you worried that the recipient will be angry at you? Angry at you for caring? Or are you worried that they will think you are “odd”?

You want to hear the story of my friend who I had been bugging him to complete a will, an advance health care directive (or proxy), a durable power of attorney…yes all three! I had been bugging him because his life had changed – he was getting married, had bought a home, and more. When he was busy texting a celebratory note to his fiancé he crashed into the back of a parked semi-truck almost instantly killing him. He had no paperwork in order.

This week open the subject of death by discussing someone you really miss who has died. See where the discussion moves to from there. Enjoy reminiscing.

My next blog gives more ideas on getting “the conversation” going.

You want your parents alive but what do they want?

Wed, 22 Jan 2020 18:08:38 GMT

Helping someone with their death means following their wishes BUT can you really be true to those?

When an event triggers the imminent death of a loved one, many people resort to treating that individual like a child. That is unfair since that person had their own thoughts about the dying process which they (hopefully) shared in writing and in conversations. The medical community left without directives will continue to work to save the person - with no regard for quality of life.

The purpose of an advanced directive is to stipulate how much medical intervention one wants and at what point one wants to just be allowed to die. Very often a caring, loving, well-meaning relative "forgets" the wishes and just goes from their own needs and wishes. "I don't want to let Mom or Dad or Becky or whomever go"....I want them here on earth even if they can't eat or talk on their own," Is that fair? Is that selfish? Sure there is an advanced directive that someone has but following it is tougher than you may think.

My two friends both told me "oh don't worry there is a DNR (do not resuscitate order on file).....but that is not the same! DNR means that if the individual is actually legally dead - stops breathing - that the medical personnel is not to "shock" them back into life. BUT that is a small part of the wishes that individuals can make.

Please realize that a DNR does not signify all of a person's wishes unless that has been clearly stated. A friend yesterday said "even though I should send her to the hospital I know that in this weakened condition she would never get home to die." Awesome! You are right - and since her "care and feeding instructions" said to let her die at home you are listening to her.

And to my other friend with a Dad who is still lucid but who requires too much oxygen to risk the trip home, what does your dad want ? Did you ask him before this last event happened? Are you speaking for him or for your mom or for yourself? Are you afraid to face the consequences of moving him as he wanted? Or are the medical staff telling you what is best? What is your goal? What were his wishes?

The young child needed guidance as s/he hadn't developed a personal game plan. However, your dying loved one is not a child. Listen to their game plan and wishes!

When does your own desire not to have a loved one die and the wishes of that person conflict? Are you abusing the trust that person placed in you to follow through with their wishes? Sure it is hard to think of that person as dead but we are all going to get there. Please let me die as much as possible under my own terms.

Time to get thinking about death...

Fri, 10 Jan 2020 17:37:36 GMT

To Ignore Death is to Ignore Life

We have songs about death, we promote graphic violence and killing on our TV and movie screens and in our video games, but we have a strong aversion to talk about death like it is. Even Humpty Dumpty had a great fall and his pieces couldn’t be put back together. Yet we have a syndrome called “death avoidance”….yet we all know that we can’t avoid death itself. Talking about death does not lead to death.

Death somehow is the enemy to a doctor. Doctors focus on saving and sustaining lives at all costs. We have all sorts of euphemisms about death – someone “expires” or “passes away” or “perishes” or “shuffles off”.

And we talk about health issues like they are ongoing battles to be fought. Surely if you are strong and have all signs of recovery, fighting makes sense. However, at some times you can’t defy a poor prognosis.

If we pretend that mortality doesn’t exist – if we answer every question with “I am so very busy” – does that mean we will live forever? Or does that just excuse us for planning for g good death?

I have learned that those who have had to face their own mortality every day are often the very best teachers for the rest of us. A Make a Wish 16 year old girl that I have volunteered with for over three years, laughs and smiles at everything. She is bound to a huge bulky wheelchair clad in tubes, diapers, and less than sexy attire. She doesn’t notice. She asks just about everyone she comes across if she can hug them.

The threat of dying can in effect magnify the glory of life. Yet some people when given a grim diagnosis or prognosis respond with “poor me” and “why me”? Yet the true answer is “why not”? Life holds no promises even though we may treat each day as “just another day”….and then one day it will be too late.

The friendships you have been able to cherish for decades are more important as you lie trying to feign comfort when every part of your body aches. You realize that enormity of the importance of the little things in life as you keep working to put your mortality out of your mind. How do we respond to a friend when the shadow of death rears its head? Why did we wait for such a dark reminder to tell them how much we love them?

How do you measure your life? Is it “I want to live to be 110?” or is it “I want to left a mark on the world by changing _______ or adding _____” allowing your mind to fill in the blanks?

And if you are fortunate enough to do what you love in the world and also live a long life, have you noticed the “helicopter old age parenting” many people do? An older aged man begins to cross the street along with a gaggle of adults when someone takes his arm. The child of an aging parent commands “you can’t continue those dancing classes as you might hurt yourself”. Wow. If the person is living their passion who are you to stop them?

Why Should I Think About Death Now? It Is So Far Away!

Tue, 17 Dec 2019 21:35:18 GMT

Live every day to the max - but be prepared for the unexpected.

The purpose of life is life with a purpose!

How Do You Want to be Treated if You are Dying?

Wed, 27 Nov 2019 19:41:07 GMT

It is an act of maturity to make sure your wishes are known. No one can read your mind.

What is Really Important - A Video Clip to Remind You

webs@candodesigns.com (Tina Patlyek) — Sat, 16 Nov 2019 19:40:32 GMT

Sometimes we need a wake-up call - sometimes we need a reminder - sometimes we figure out before it is too late how precious life is.

Life is busy; life is full. Our society seems to have moved from the world of "how are you?" to the world of "you won't believe how busy I am." It has become a badge of honor to throw your hands up in the air excusing yourself from many tasks because of self-proclaimed "busy-ness".

We all make choices. We get distracted by the ubiquitous rabbit hole of the internet quickly available on our smart phone. We see young parents walking their young kids in stroller while talking away on their phone or regularly glancing at the screen. Cities have passed "no cell phone" laws while driving. We feel the need to post photos at or after any event. The "selfie" shot has become more important than absorbing the event itself.

We are all going to die someday. Life will end and there is no chance to go back. On your death bed - assuming you linger like most dying individuals - will you be thinking about all that you did and feel great or will you be regretting all the opportunities you didn't take or things you didn't do?

We have all heard the expression "no one wished that they had spent more time in the office"....and yet the list of unfinished "things" related to places not seen, adventures not pursued, people not kept in touch with, and more goes on and on.

"I never had a great loving talk with my mom." Or "I wish I had taken my Dad on the Safari we had discussed." Others shared stories of missing a family reunion or a girl's weekend with best friends because of being too busy.

Making choices of how to use time is an age old conundrum. People complain of boredom or busyness. Yet TV and other passive entertainment is consumed at an all-time high. Food delivery services compete for your business. Pre-prepared meal sections are the fastest growing parts of grocery stores. No time? Have just about everything delivered.

Does that all mean that you have more quality time? Does that mean that you carve out the opportunity to see a friend? To sit alongside an ill friend? To savor the opportunity of a book or a garden?

Life gives us choices. Sometimes circumstances take all of our energy. We work to minimize the length of that struggle and it can feel beyond hope or change. But for most of us, most of the time, we are able to make some choices - from what and how we eat to using free time to sleep and exercise patterns.

It is important to be reminded of the impact of our decisions on others. The old father shown in the video wants the physical presence of his grown kids from time to time. The disappointment he feels when the kids can't make time is evident even though he continues to go through each lonely day.

He outsmarts them all in the end! And the kids see their own kids revel in the excitement of seeing their grandfather. Maybe we need to stop and ask a younger generation what we should do. Maybe we should just stop and listen to our hearts. Maybe we can make some changes to our choices.

Are you running every minute of every day? Have you forgotten what is most important to you in life? You can make a change....NOW!

We don't know when the end will be for us or for anyone we love. Don't live with regrets.

Make Decisions for Peace of Mind!

webs@candodesigns.com (Tina Patlyek) — Mon, 04 Nov 2019 17:09:29 GMT

It is hard to think about no longer being alive - no longer doing the things you love - no longer being with the people you love! Our cycle of life places us in stages which begins small (happy to afford the studio apartment), to accomplished (add more stuff), and eventually feeling the need to downsize and shed. However, if you don't make it until the "shed" stage, what is going to happen to your beloved "stuff"? Who will deal with it? Are closets too full? Once precious things sitting everywhere with you believing that someone after you die will want them. Research shows that kids (or others) don't want "your stuff" as they accumulate their own. Could you make a conscious effort to purge, clean out, and dispose of unused things sooner in life?

Having a will - having a written plan - will give you the inner peace now to know that someone else won't have to deal with your "stuff" wondering what you had wanted or intended.

We have a trust and a will. We have all our paperwork in order per our state - Texas - regulations. However, my husband has a huge woodworking studio that we know would end up having to be sold off for pennies on the dollar at an auction. We also know it would be a big time waste for our executor. A week before a long international tripa few years ago, we decided to have parts of our will/trust redone - and to name a woodworking school (we checked with them first) to be the recipient of everything in his studio. It felt right. the collection of amazing tools and machines that he has painstakenly collected over his lifetime can be passed on to someone who can use it all. If they can't use it all, we have designated that they can sell them and keep all proceeds for the good of the school.

We were able to leave on our trip feeling that should anything happen to us, we had helped the people we would have left with the burden. It feels good today knowing that decision. We made it back home just fine obviously. We can always redo the will/trust (as you should every so often). Today it is the right thing and we have peace of mind!

Surprises From Life - Death Date

webs@candodesigns.com (Tina Patlyek) — Tue, 29 Oct 2019 20:27:31 GMT

My own struggle and celebration! Please click link below to hear more of my personal story and help you realize how life is so very special. Celebrate!

None of us have any idea about our own end. I share the story of my cancer diagnosis and survival in the link below (recently published on www.whatnext.com - a helpful cancer info site)

I credit several things to my healthy survival –

1. My husband and I have been 3 times a week workout partners since we were dating (about to celebrate anniversary 27). I kept working out until I was just too weak. Frequently I still went to the gym with him and brought a book. It took work but my workouts are great.

2. I refused a feeding tube. I knew that swallowing would always be an issue and I realized that not needing to swallow at all would just prolong my recovery. My oncologis t agreed reluctantly but wrote a weight on a piece of paper – handed it to me and said “if you get to this weight I am shoving in the tube. You will have no choice.” I came within .5 of that weight.

3. I never let myself spend a full day in bed other than the final three in the hospital.

4. I started a caringbridge.org journal online log to keep people informed which most of the time I completed myself.

5. My husband loved me unconditionally giving up his own life for mine. He was the best nurse I could have ever asked for even if he did cook onions once (for himself) and the smell sent me hiding in a faraway closet corner.

6. I wanted to live life fully including the ability to taste red wine. My lead doctor had said “sorry Deb but you will most probably not be able to discern red wine after all this.” My response was “yes I will. I will bet you.”

7. I agreed to have amifostine injections to both protect the kidneys from the harmful effects of cisplatin and to decrease dryness in the mouth caused by radiation.

8. I kept making plans for my future! Sure I had to cancel things, but as of January 2013 I was getting back in the saddle full steam ahead!

9. I held my own celebration party in June 2013 including people from all walks of my life. It was glorious – the only binding of the group was “me” – and everyone shared hysterical and heartwarming testimonials about me in their life.

Your call to action!

1st make sure your kids and grandkids and neighbor’s kids get the HPV vaccination https://www.cdc.gov/hpv/parents/index.html

2nd listen to your body. Do you own research.

3rd keep living life to the fullest every day.

4th believe you can do anything.

Everyone has a story. Love is all around us. Take good care and remember that planning for a great life will help you live each day the best and fullest that you can. Talk about and plan for death since it, too, is part of life. You will feel more content and able to face the end when it rears its inevitable head.

https://www.whatnext.com/blog/posts/surviving-stage-iv-tonsil-cancer-7-years-and-counting

Advance Healthcare Directive add Supplemental Letter

Fri, 25 Oct 2019 13:56:34 GMT

Draft a Letter to Your Loved Ones - to be opened when you can't make your own decisions or speak for yourself

Example of a letter :

If you have opened this letter, it means that I am unable to join with you in making decisions about my health and care. This letter is to ensure as much as possible that my wishes will be honored as it pertains to my long-term healthcare.

I know I have told you many times about my personal choices. My AHD should state it all.

I do not want to receive treatment for any terminal health issue, whether physical or cognitive, that could unnaturally prolong my life. Comfort care only. No hospitals. No resuscitation. Nothing medically that could prolong my life.

Please begin palliative care at the earliest time. If I can stay at home, great! If not please try to find a facility where I can be outdoors to feel and see the sun at times. Please don't force me to eat - no feeding tubes or caregiver trying to cajole me into taking small bites.

Keeping me from pain with medication is fine - even opiates - but no other meds that could prolong my....

The above is meant to be illustrative and help you start your own final letter. I will share my letter in the future. There is no right or wrong - this is about personal choice.

Donation of body to medical school - my choice

webs@candodesigns.com (Tina Patlyek) — Sat, 19 Oct 2019 17:51:55 GMT

Just completed the paperwork to donate my body to a Texas Medical University! Now I will carry a donor card with me in my wallet. Feels right.

What good is having a proxy named if no one knows where your paperwork is?

webs@candodesigns.com (Tina Patlyek) — Wed, 09 Oct 2019 21:05:20 GMT

An emergency happens and you are unable to speak. Who will the emergency folks contact? Or is your work to prepare just down a black hole?

Great work! You have the State required paperwork in order in case something were to happen to you leaving you unable to speak on your own behalf and forcing your named proxy to make decisions that you would have wanted. However, where is that paperwork kept? It is a huge conundrum across this country. We don't have electronic chip implants (yet) to carry it with you. We don't have a national data base of health care proxies, living wills or the like. So you have to be proactive.

First, be sure that the person you have named is nearby - and would drop everything to be able to speak to doctors or emergency personnel. Second, be sure that the named person will not let his or her emotions get in the way of what you directed them to do and say. Sometimes a spouse or a sibling may not be able to do what you asked - because of their own feelings when faced with the emergency.

Based on the US Supreme Court and the Cruzan decision, you have the right to refuse medical treatment. Nancy Cruzan was the 25 year old Missouri woman who was driving home in 1983 and her car skidded into a water filled ditch. She was revived 14 minutes later but the brain damage never allowed her to speak, recognize her family, eat or swallow. She was kept alive by feeding tube in a state funded nursing home. Her Catholic parents fought for the right to remove the feeding tube. And in the end, you and I now have the legal right to refuse medical treatment.

There are four pillars of medical ethics:

autonomy - respect for patients right to self determination
beneficence - duty to do good
non-maleficence - the duty not to do bad
justice - treat all people equally and equitably

Realize that without the right paperwork the default method of doing business in most emergency situations is to do everything to stave off death - even if fruitless and adds to your suffering. Name the proper person to speak for you - someone willing to do it with confidence - and you will leave things best for all.

Name a health care proxy - to speak for you

webs@candodesigns.com (Tina Patlyek) — Sun, 06 Oct 2019 20:12:01 GMT

Each state has particular rules and laws - make sure your health care proxy and living will is not contested.

A health care proxy (also known as an advance directive form) appoints someone to make critical medical decisions on your behalf and according to your wishes. Completing the paperwork to name a health care proxy alongside an advance directive (living will) will greatly help medical folks and those who love you. Do it today and redo it over time. How about making a mental note to do it every new decade of your life? Lots of resources to find the state-by-state forms. An easy link - just use the "free" part is https://www.everplans.com/guides/state-by-state-guides

How do I select a proxy? It is important that it is a person you trust and who will not get so emotional that they cannot carry out your wishes. It is important that it is someone who is located near you - or can be there in a moment's notice. The person may be a relative but may be someone you respect who is not part of your family. Your call. Remember the purpose of this form - to make sure that your wishes are made known.

It is also of paramount importance that once you complete the form you tell others that it exists. Having the form tucked away in your safe deposit box will be of no help in an emergency. Naming someone without their knowledge and without giving them a copy is useless. And you should seriously consider - some states require it - that you complete a living will at the same time.

The person you select can be changed at any time. You may move and need to select someone different. You may change your personal situation and want to make changes. Or you may feel that another person will best represent you. The plan is to have named someone to speak for you should you be unable to do so - and that that person will fight to be sure that your wishes are carried out.

Now What Am I Supposed to Do? GET IT DONE! It is easy and you will feel better knowing that you have it done should it ever be needed. What is stopping you?

NOW WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

webs@candodesigns.com (Tina Patlyek) — Tue, 01 Oct 2019 13:14:59 GMT

All of us are going to die. We just don’t know when...

As soon as I tell someone that I have written a self-help memoir because three parents whom I had responsibilities for thought they would live forever but death got in the way, they politely stop me.

You have a book about helping old people deal with death, right?

No all of us are going to die. We don’t know when. Less than 75% of Americans live beyond age 65.

https://www.statista.com/statistics/241572/death-rate-by-age-and-sex-in-the-us/

Preparing for death makes living so much easier.

We plan for everything. When you don’t plan you find yourself in some trouble. Try impulsively walking into a bank to get a mortgage without having any paperwork. Or stroll into a car dealership without having a budget in mind. Expecting a child means the need to think about child care, even sleeping arrangements for the soon-to-be child. Planning is part of living. If you live, you die.

Over the course of blog posts I will give you links to help you make decisions about your life – and ultimately about your death. It isn’t morbid. It can actually be liberating! Talking about death does not lead to death. Not talking about death leads to a huge burden for those left behind after your death. Plan so that others won’t have to do it for you. It is your life!

Photo by Aron Visuals on Unsplash

The Purpose of Life is Life with a Purpose

webs@candodesigns.com (Tina Patlyek) — Mon, 30 Sep 2019 13:14:59 GMT

The purpose of life is life with a purpose.

Without purpose, depression sets in and issues arise ranging from weight gain or loss, alcohol or drug dependence, lack of energy and more. Is meaningful employment the mark of having purpose? Don’t confused life’s purpose with a career or making money. No, it goes way beyond that.

Do you know people who seem to live life every single day with clarity? And those people have a smile on their face every day? Do you want to be like them? Hint: It will help you live longer too!

Key thought provoking questions:

What are you doing that gets you so fired up that you even forget to eat dinner? How about times when you are so engaged that time seems to freeze?
How do you wish/hope/plan to save the world?
If you had to leave your home every day until bedtime, where would you go and what would you do (and no you can’t choose to rent a motel room or fall asleep at a coffee shop)?
If you learned you would die one year from today – what would you do with that time? How would you want to be remembered?

It is your “reason for being”. It can morph, develop, and change from the beginning of your life to the end. The important thing is to determine what inner force is guiding you and making each day worthwhile.

We Avoid the Word Death at All Costs

webs@candodesigns.com (Tina Patlyek) — Sun, 29 Sep 2019 13:16:32 GMT

We avoid the word "death" at all costs -
we don't say people “die” but rather we say that they “pass”

We seem to have a fascination with death. People may state that they are comfortable with death or they avoid the topic at all costs. I point out that gore and death are a big draw to movies and TV shows. Have you also noticed that traffic can be backed up for miles because people are rubbernecking - staring at bad car wrecks. But we won’t talk about death and our own lives or the lives of folks we love!

The ongoing healthy and helpful discussion of death isn’t limited to funerals, law offices or hospitals. It is hard to have such a conversation when you are sad or overwhelmed. Having conversations about death – about YOUR death – about your hopes and fears – can be liberating.

Talking about death should serve to bring us closer. It can remind us what really matters and help prepare us for conversation when a crisis arises. There are 122 medical schools in the USA and yet only 8 have mandatory end-of-life training.

Most people share that they want to have “the conversation” but are afraid to bring it up. 30% of people told they are dying of cancer end up having their first conversation about dying with a stranger.

Please begin at https://theconversationproject.org/ . Click on the “free conversation starter kit” and reach out to get the help you need to keep going with your planning – and the planning that a loved one needs you to initiate.

Do any of us know when we are going to die?

webs@candodesigns.com (Tina Patlyek) — Sat, 28 Sep 2019 12:28:16 GMT

Do any of us know when we are going to die?
Would you want to know?
How can you live your life differently?

I just watched the 10 minute movie titled 8 AM by Mark Harvey Levine, award winning playwright and screenwriter. It is the story of a young husband and wife who start their day off with harsh words because of how the Fruit Loops box was left.

There is no yelling or screaming but there is no apparent love either. Alongside the couple are characters dressed in white who are used to illustrate the feelings and thoughts of both the husband and wife. In other words, they tell the viewer what the husband or wife are thinking at all times. They also can foreshadow.

The wife dies about ten minutes later in a car crash because of being distracted. The husband never eats Fruit Loops again. But the real story isn’t about cereal or being nicer to one another – it is about the fact that we have no idea when we will die.

...it is about the fact that we have no idea when we will die

Death changes everything and can happen in a flash and when you least expect it. Everyone doesn’t get to see a “ripe old age”. Everyone doesn’t get to plan for death. The only certainty is that you will die. All of us will die.

What should you be doing differently? What can you start right now? There are hundreds of free resources. Why not start by looking at this from Stanford University? https://med.stanford.edu/letter/friendsandfamily.html